From sea to shining see

The ocean is vast, it beautiful, it all encompassing, It can sooth you, It can scare you, It is a force to not be reckoned with. It provides you with sustenance, its depths are unknown. the reason I am opening this blog with a reference of the ocean, Is the ocean is about love. All encompassing.

      We love it when its peaceful, and serene. We enjoy how it can cool us off, provide solace, Its been know to lower blood pressure, by its calming effects. We know how beneficial it is, for  well being, to some. For me personally, the ocean is my happy place, it  brings me joy, it brings me happiness, It breathes life into me. When I am sad, I go to her and she allows me to bask in her presence. To enjoy the beauty that she brings, How I am able to clear my mind and think in different ways. I love the ocean, and I love, love. I mean who doesnt. 

https://youtu.be/fmE9IhRMu4M

      A question I have had to ask myself lately though, and just a random thought, Do I stop loving the ocean when she is turbulent, when shes full of  destruction against herself and others, when she becomes toxic and kills the  creatures that survive in her.

The answer is no, I do not. Much like love, when its great, when things are easy, you want to stick around and embrace it. You long to return, to the shore to embrace the beauty of it. 

When it becomes toxic, to itself and others, When it becomes polluted, Much like relationships, we try to find ways to eradicate the problem, instead of  embracing it, and looking for resolutions, to fix issues.

     What happens though when these things that have been tried do not work?We study it, we learn what caused the issues, and hopefully come up with new solutions to old problems.  The latter is how my relationship was, and Yes, Im equally to blame for the demise of my relationship, by not nurturing it. By feeling stuck in toxicity. For the roll I played in Addiction and enabling bad behaviors. My mind thinking if only I loved and cared for this person more, I wouldnt be where I am. That is a delusional thought process. I knew, who this person was, and at the time we met, we were in similar places. Both getting drunk, both not caring about responsibilities, only thinking about pleasure, both in flesh and mind.

     I realize now, I could have chose peace and serenity, but for some reason I am a masochist and have to be taught the lesson over and over again. Because I refuse to look at my part to the toxicity that happens. Where a lack of boundaries, and letting things go that should not have.

 I've created this mess, and need to take responsibility for the roll I've played in all of my failed relationships.  

     I am becoming one with this, and am embracing me, the beautiful disaster. 

I've had a few friends say, on more than one occasion, maybe you should get to know yourself, and love yourself, then and only then, will you find the happiness and love you so deserve. The analytical part of me gets that, but the parts of me that have been broken since childhood, dont seem to comprehend.

My best friend, Who knows me better than anyone in the world has told me for years, until you love and trust yourself, the end result is always going to be the same. You know what the definition of insanity is? Yep, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result.

     Now, it would be easy for me to place blame on someone else, Ie the the most recent ex, but in reality, Is I played a roll in this situation, this is the perfect opportunity to really take a look at what parts of my inner child need healing, what causes me to keep recreating the same scenario over and over again. Until I heal that little chubby girl, crying out for love, this will keep happening. 

Tom Petty sings it best.

https://youtu.be/s5BJXwNeKsQ

I now begin the scariest journey of my life, Its time to take responsibility for me, and regain my personal power, I so freely gave away.